latest journal entry
July 19,2025
I still believe in dandelion wishes. Every time the clock hits 11:11 I still make a wish. I worship the altar of my incense soaked tarot cards, it's the closest to a religion I can come to. Even if it's superstitious, there's comfort in those wishes and that old box of cards. So many versions of myself have held that deck. In a way, it's been there for me when people just haven't. Its box is falling apart, there's a slight curve to the cards, but it's more beautiful than the day I got it. There's so much beauty in use, in age.
I find comfort now in my younger self. I've been watching Supernatural and listening to Badlands like it's 2016. Same things, just different times, but the same feelings still remain in the threads.
I always come back to the things I used to love eventually. I guess that's the nature of real love: it always comes back. Or maybe it's that it never really left in the first place. I think it might be the latter. There's a pain to real love. If there isn't then it isn't really love. I know that it's not easy to love and be loved. I've fucked it up more times than I can count, but at least I can admit it now. The fuck-ups have to be worth it if I can learn from them, if they can help me avoid some pain that I've not yet known. It's been hard to accept all of that.
real love makes your lungs black
real love is a heart attack - big thief, real love
To live a life without pain is to live a life without love, a fact I've come to accept. I've stopped preemptively mourning my losses, though. I'm becoming better at living in the moment. Maybe I'm just getting better at living too, I have to remind myself that it's my first time being alive.how can you livе if you can't love? how can you if you do? - wednesday, how can you livе if you can't love how can you if you do
I feel so young yet too old at the same time. I turn 20 in 4 months (I don't know what I'm doing). God, I can't wait to not be 19. I don't think I'll miss it (eventually you miss everything that once was). I moved since I last posted. I know being alone and being lonely are different, but I can't tell the difference right now. I've been filling the time with going to shows or phone calls. All my friends live so far away, I wish they didn't. I was supposed to visit one, but moving changed my plans. At least I know I always have music to keep me company. For me, that's how I can truly connect with people. I am most myself when I can truly just let myself feel music. To be loved by me is to receive a Spotify link of a song I think you'd like or to be made a playlist (occasionally burned onto a CD because I'm extra). i hope certain songs remind you of me. It's a bit cheesy, but I can't count how many times going to a show has gotten me out of a rut. I often reminisce on 17-year-old me, who was going to shows like it was their job, doing it alone, doing it scared. Some of my best memories are from that time of my life. I think ill think the same about 19 looking back. I'm more like that version of myself than I thought I was (I was lonely then too, I've just forgotten about it). Maybe the me that I miss so much is still me. Maybe I just don't see it.
I'm just so scared that things won't ever change
and its not fair that i'm alone on most days - fox teeth, wednesday forever???
I wonder a lot about how I'm perceived. I wish there would ever be an answer to that question, but there won't be. The self is ever-changing, and so is perception of the self. But I feel controlled by that idea of perception of the idea of how I seem to others. I hope if there was a concrete answer that I would like it, that I would be happy with the way I'm seen. I try to be a person that I'm happy with, that the younger versions of myself would be proud of, and I think that's all that really matters in the end. Not the boxes that people put me into. The pieces of me they take and try and from to their wills and ideas (I rue being manic-pixie-dream-girled, can you tell). I think perception is a way to control you. A way to reduce the dimensionality of what makes us people. The only way you can truly understand someone is by seeing their insides, ripped open and bare.
I spent years becoming cool
And in one single second, you
Can make a decade of my efforts disappear
...
But I was built from special pieces
That I learned how to unscrew
And I can always reassemble
To fit perfectly for you - halsey, lonely is the muse