latest journal entry
March 4, 2025
I feel like I am covered in blood, or like I've been crucified, impaled by with arrows like St. Sebastian. My heart is so gentle, yet I feel like I have an innate desire to get it ripped out somehow, maybe it's the 'tortured artist' cliché, or maybe it's the trauma. Possibly that's the same thing. I feel everything with viscera to it. Every emotion in my body is an organ, every organ an emotion or a moment. It is all bloody and bruised. I feel like they are the 'wrong' sections of what would be in a medical system. Like there are parts of me conjoined inside, or growing bone where it shouldn't be etc. etc.
I hate the nights where I feel like I'm so full of love that has no reasonable outlet, that I might explode. It of course exists for myself, but I feel like I love too much, that I care too much. To try to balance the scales is a constant mental struggle for me.
I'm terrified of true vulnerability.
I think I've only been able to do it platonically, and hence why my friendships cause me so much more hurt.
From my most recent heartbreak, reflecting on it, I feel astoundingly fine in regard to losing someone I cared about., rather I am just having a reasonable reaction to someone I deeply trusted being? Really mean to me? Crazy, wow that it would make you actually feel bad if you let it. I wish I could know better the line between my trauma and my intuition. I truly wonder if part of it is my own naivety. Or something that is perceived by men as naivety, but is instead just a want to truly believe the best in everyone. I wish men would not see me as a lamb or a fawn when I have sharp teeth.
I wish I could understand my feelings in a way that wasn't just entrusting song lyrics to do it for me. I think I only am truly in my brain when I'm high, have music on, and can let myself think.
I feel like lately I haven't had the time to be myself.
I wonder if I lost it because of that.
I feel like I exist in intermittent states of surviving and living, and whenever they switch, I never know how to deal with the other until it's time for them to switch again.
I'll end this with a collection of lyrics I've been resonating with lately:
we don't have to talk about it
i can walk you home and practice method acting
i'll pretend bein' with you doesn't feel like drowning
tellin' you it's nice to see how good you're doing
even though we know it isn't true -boygenius, cool about it
it is a cruel sensation, remembering that i am human
and i'm prone to accidents of heart
i regret sending you that email where i said i wanted to kill you
when what i mean is that i long to feel
you are still someone that i know well that i know dearly well like i used to
....
it is painful to age - babehoven, twenty dried chilies
i wanna be good
and i wanna cause no harm - bugsy, apathy
i never know exactly what to think of my life -wednesday, the burned down dairy queen
theres no glory in love
only the gore of our hearts - julien baker, bloodshot