February 26, 2024

Sometimes I think men see me as this stupid naive 'little girl'. Maybe add in a 'slutty' or replace girl with 'whore'.

But I fucking hate that combination of words. 'little girl' is a term that makes me feel so egregiously disgusting, like my skins about to slough off at any moment. And that encapsulates how I feel sometimes about the way that typically men will perceive me. It's also just blatantly wrong. I'm not stupid and I'm not a little girl. But I wish I knew if they were right about the naive part.

At times I wonder if I am in a way responsible for how men treat and perceive me. If I'm really that naive about it all.

I have two common experiences with men. There's the ones where I'm not directly involved with them and so, I immediately set off the misogyny in them. then theres the second one I just call 'human sex doll'. I'm treated like a person but only on the most surface level so they can try and fuck me. respect to my face but not anywhere else. I think I prefer the former experience.

I'd rather my dehumanization be blatant and to my face. When it's behind your back it feels more sinister.

I am not a piece of meat and I'm so fucking tired of being treated like I am.

i didnt think my first post on here would be a sad one, but thats what's happening, if thats not your vibe then i would stop reading

January 10-11, 2024

When I started coding this silly little website, Milan was lively and walking over my laptop while I was trying to code. Now we've just gotten back from the vet and she sits on a heating pad with a pee pad on top of it because her body temperature is low and shes incontinent.

We've been together for about 2 and a half years, which is short but in that time she has been the most important thing in my life. When I had no one else, I had milan. I wholeheartedly believe that this old lady of a cat was a soulmate of mine. I've never loved anything like I love her. and it hurts me more than I've ever hurt to see her like this. To know whats going to happen soon.

Shes old but I always fully believed shed make it to her twenties, I thought shed be there when I moved out, when i had other big milestones. but she wont be and that elicits a pain in me that is truly indescribable. Milan and I have been through so much together, there have been times where she really was the only thing keeping me alive or the only thing that could make me smile.

I only believe in god when im desperate. Say what you will about that but right now I'm desperate. I just want my baby to be ok, more than I've wanted anything. I've said that before but this time is the first time I actually mean it. I know what love is because of Milan. I know myself better because of her. Shes made me a better person, a stronger person and I so desperately want her to be there for more. I want her to live longer than this. But if this is our end im so happy for the time we got to share with each other and I will remember her for the rest of my days.

12:26 january 11th

you passed in my arms

i love you

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this website was co-created by milan